Adoption Myths

Since I really have nothing extremely interesting to post I thought I would write a little on adoption myths. There are a lot of them, and before we started this journey I must admit I believe a couple of them. Adoption is a world unexplored for most, knowing the ins and outs or positive adoption language is a lot to expect from friends and family. So education is key! Here is my attempt to educate!

Myth 1: Domestic adoption of an infant doesn't is impossible now.
There are approximately 20,000 infants adopted domestically per year, and yes this is much lower than in years past for a variety of reasons. One is teenage and unwed mothers are more widely accepted in today's society, and they parent their children. Actually more babies are adopted domestically than internationally. International adoption gets more attention because 1) celebrities are doing it and 2) it is usually more outwardly obvious (ie Chinese adoption).

Myth 2: Looooong waits and high costs
Ok so this myth can be true to some extent. The average wait upon completion of a home study is less than 2 years. Now this isn't nearly as long as the wait for international adoptions, but when you are like us and have been waiting for your baby for 3 years now (less than 6 months for adoption) an extra day seems like an eternity! Most domestic adoptions can be completed for less than 15,000, and you get a tax credit of almost 12,000 to help with the expenses. The tax credit isn't immediate you start to use it the year you finalize and you can't always use it in one year. Please remember that what your adoption costs is not the same as buying a baby!!!! You are paying legal fees, agency fees, occasional living expenses, medical fees, travel fees, etc. Again I have seen agencies post situations of fees are over 40,000. Great if you are just loaded, but that route seems like buying a baby to me.

Myth 3: Horrible birth parents
This is probably the myth that bothers me the most. Most birth mothers are making the most selfless decision anyone could ever make, and I respect them beyond words. They also cannot reclaim the child once parental rights have been terminated, and especially after the adoption has been finalized. The adoptive parents become the parents and nothing can change that. In TN the birth mother cannot relinquish her rights until 4 days after the birth and then has 10 days to change her mind. While for us those 2 weeks will be very long, it is very rare for an adoption to be contested or for the birth family to claim coercion. So while it will be an agonizing 2 weeks, we will be at peace once we pass that 14th day.

Myth 4: Two sets of parents, isn't open adoption confusing?
First and foremost the adoptive parents are the parents. Contact with the birth family is something that is relatively new to the adoption world. Some are scared at the prospect of the birth family being in a child's life, but the child knows who mommy and daddy are. They are the ones who take care of them when they are sick, bathe them, fix boo boos, teach them to ride a bike, etc. But a birth family is important; they gave life to this precious child, they are the genetic link, and they are people who love this child. Open adoption dispels myths and insecurities that adoptees can have about their birth family.

Myth 5: All birth moms are teenagers
While this may have been true 30 years ago....today it is just not true. Most birth moms are over the age of 18 and generally already parent 1 child. They are force to make a decision that is best for the baby they are carrying, the child they are raising, and themselves. Teenage pregnancy is almost normal now, and families work together to help the teenager parent her child. And just another note, all birth moms aren't alcoholics or on drugs either.

Myth 6: The troubled adolescent adoptee
This is horrible. A lot of people assume that adoptees are emotionally and developmentally troubled. Recent research actually shows the opposite, adoptees have a better self-image and are better adjusted than their peers! Also of note is that adoptees have such a strong attachment to their families, so being blood related doesn't make the bond stronger!

Myth 7: Don't tell children they were adopted until they are older
Seriously lying to children is best for them? Obviously a baby doesn't know what adoption is and really neither does a 3 year old, but telling their adoption story over and over helps them to begin to understand. Their are numerous ways to talk about adoption to children from infancy to adulthood. Google it, you'll see. I read a story someone had written about their preschool-aged daughter telling her friends about her "doption story." She might not have a true grasp of what it all means, but she is proud of it! How awesome is that?

Myth 8: Your baby is so lucky to have you.
To make this a fact, we are so lucky to have this baby. There is a line longer than the lines at Wal-Mart at Christmas for any baby placed for adoption. So we are the lucky ones when our baby's birth family chooses us for the greatest gift possible!

I could probably write tons more, but these are the most common ones I here/see.