What we need....a new agency!

The past few months David and I have been reviewing and researching possible new adoption agencies. Now don't get me wrong I don't feel Harmony (our current agency) has done anything wrong, but they are a small small agency. Last year they placed only 1 infant and the most they have ever placed in a year is 6. Of course they only have approximately 10 waiting families, so you have to factor that in as well. But I don't like not knowing anything. We have only heard from them once and that was because I initiated contact. I already feel out of the loop and not hearing from them makes it harder.

So I narrowed it down between Bethany Christian Services (local office in Knoxville) and Adoption Center of Choice in Utah.

We began filling out paperwork for Bethany and let me tell you the stack of stuff we filled out over an inch thick. Plus we were going to have to redo the home study, medical stuff, and fingerprints. Not horrible, but time consuming and costly. I still didn't feel that comfortable about something and I don't know what. But they were coming to speak at Rotary this month, so that was a sign.

On an online group I am a member of a gentleman named Dave (who doesn't love a Dave?) worked for ACC as an outreach specialist (high risk, minority babies with rapidly approaching due dates). We had talked some in general and I had him send me applications for his agency. We wouldn't work with him, but another domestic adoption specialist. He promptly sent me the materials I needed, and we were able to use the home study we have and all other records. Still an agency I can't see, in UT, and that large amount of money...a little unsure.

Then comes Lindsey...my angel for the month of November! She is friends with Margo (my lovely tall blonde friend with great hair, cool husband, and adorable little boy). I had met Lindsey before and knew she had adopted. Well Margo gave me her number so I could call her. She was the one person I needed most at that time and even right now. She not only has adopted but knows what it is like to undergo fertility treatments that didn't work and the feelings only an infertile and adoptive parent can feel. We talked for a while and she highly recommended the agency she used, raved about them, how great they were, yada yada yada...well guess which agency she used? Adoption Center of Choice! Goosebumps is all I can say.

I trashed my Bethany stuff and went to work on a new profile book for ACC. I know this is the right move for us!

ACC places approximately 1 baby per day, and averages 6 or so caucasian infants a month. Pretty good. They advertise nationally, but most birth moms deliver in Utah. So we hopefully will one day soon be flying to UT and flying home with a 7-10 day old infant!!!!

Updates to come....

It's National Adoption Month!

You take the good and you take the bad...take them both and there you have...the facts of life.

The road to adoption really is one that is long, lonely, stressful and emotional. Actually you can probably use every possible adjective to describe it. We are making some changes that I will post about later once we know if the change is possible, but other than that we just sit and wait.

And really waiting is so passive. I want to be able to control something or help speed the process up. I do know that God has a plan for us and we are unable to see it, but man he could help a girl's sanity out by showing a sign or something!

Nothing has changed really no info from our agency or lawyer (who really we don't expect to hear anything from), and nothing really with our birth mother letters or blogs. But we remain positive and hopeful (well most days!). Adoption seems to be becoming more mainstream, or maybe I just have a vested interest in adoption now so I see it.

There is a great show on We that is called Adoption Stories. I encourage anyone to watch that show, it totally explains and shows how powerful open adoption is. I have also met someone at the gym, and in our chit chat working out with our trainer, she told me that their son they adopted at birth. Well my jaw just about dropped and I told her we were in the waiting game to adopt. She is great, gave me her number to call when I need to talk to someone who understand infertility and adoption. It was a renewed hope so to speak.

We are staying pretty active doing sprint triathlons and 5k races. But the reality is we are beyong ready to become parents. The holidays are coming up and this could potentially be our 3rd holiday season of not being parents when we so want to be. That is hard I am not going to lie. Part of me wants to just retreat and spend time with David, and we still may.

This journey, which could end sooner rather than later, is one that I know has made us such a strong couple and has tested all that we are. I can't wait to look back at the journey and know it was so worth it. And it will be worth it!

Adoption Myths

Since I really have nothing extremely interesting to post I thought I would write a little on adoption myths. There are a lot of them, and before we started this journey I must admit I believe a couple of them. Adoption is a world unexplored for most, knowing the ins and outs or positive adoption language is a lot to expect from friends and family. So education is key! Here is my attempt to educate!

Myth 1: Domestic adoption of an infant doesn't is impossible now.
There are approximately 20,000 infants adopted domestically per year, and yes this is much lower than in years past for a variety of reasons. One is teenage and unwed mothers are more widely accepted in today's society, and they parent their children. Actually more babies are adopted domestically than internationally. International adoption gets more attention because 1) celebrities are doing it and 2) it is usually more outwardly obvious (ie Chinese adoption).

Myth 2: Looooong waits and high costs
Ok so this myth can be true to some extent. The average wait upon completion of a home study is less than 2 years. Now this isn't nearly as long as the wait for international adoptions, but when you are like us and have been waiting for your baby for 3 years now (less than 6 months for adoption) an extra day seems like an eternity! Most domestic adoptions can be completed for less than 15,000, and you get a tax credit of almost 12,000 to help with the expenses. The tax credit isn't immediate you start to use it the year you finalize and you can't always use it in one year. Please remember that what your adoption costs is not the same as buying a baby!!!! You are paying legal fees, agency fees, occasional living expenses, medical fees, travel fees, etc. Again I have seen agencies post situations of fees are over 40,000. Great if you are just loaded, but that route seems like buying a baby to me.

Myth 3: Horrible birth parents
This is probably the myth that bothers me the most. Most birth mothers are making the most selfless decision anyone could ever make, and I respect them beyond words. They also cannot reclaim the child once parental rights have been terminated, and especially after the adoption has been finalized. The adoptive parents become the parents and nothing can change that. In TN the birth mother cannot relinquish her rights until 4 days after the birth and then has 10 days to change her mind. While for us those 2 weeks will be very long, it is very rare for an adoption to be contested or for the birth family to claim coercion. So while it will be an agonizing 2 weeks, we will be at peace once we pass that 14th day.

Myth 4: Two sets of parents, isn't open adoption confusing?
First and foremost the adoptive parents are the parents. Contact with the birth family is something that is relatively new to the adoption world. Some are scared at the prospect of the birth family being in a child's life, but the child knows who mommy and daddy are. They are the ones who take care of them when they are sick, bathe them, fix boo boos, teach them to ride a bike, etc. But a birth family is important; they gave life to this precious child, they are the genetic link, and they are people who love this child. Open adoption dispels myths and insecurities that adoptees can have about their birth family.

Myth 5: All birth moms are teenagers
While this may have been true 30 years ago....today it is just not true. Most birth moms are over the age of 18 and generally already parent 1 child. They are force to make a decision that is best for the baby they are carrying, the child they are raising, and themselves. Teenage pregnancy is almost normal now, and families work together to help the teenager parent her child. And just another note, all birth moms aren't alcoholics or on drugs either.

Myth 6: The troubled adolescent adoptee
This is horrible. A lot of people assume that adoptees are emotionally and developmentally troubled. Recent research actually shows the opposite, adoptees have a better self-image and are better adjusted than their peers! Also of note is that adoptees have such a strong attachment to their families, so being blood related doesn't make the bond stronger!

Myth 7: Don't tell children they were adopted until they are older
Seriously lying to children is best for them? Obviously a baby doesn't know what adoption is and really neither does a 3 year old, but telling their adoption story over and over helps them to begin to understand. Their are numerous ways to talk about adoption to children from infancy to adulthood. Google it, you'll see. I read a story someone had written about their preschool-aged daughter telling her friends about her "doption story." She might not have a true grasp of what it all means, but she is proud of it! How awesome is that?

Myth 8: Your baby is so lucky to have you.
To make this a fact, we are so lucky to have this baby. There is a line longer than the lines at Wal-Mart at Christmas for any baby placed for adoption. So we are the lucky ones when our baby's birth family chooses us for the greatest gift possible!

I could probably write tons more, but these are the most common ones I here/see.

3 years and counting...

Apparently I am being stalked by pregnant women and newborn babies. I am sure that every infertile and/or waiting adoptive parent thinks this at some point, and I have most definately thought it before. Our great friends just had their first little girl last week, another set of friends just announced they are 12 weeks along with their 2nd, a co-worker is due in just a few month, and every person I know on facebook is either expecting or just had a baby! Plus how many celebrities are sporting bumps? Is it me or can the whole world procreate but us?

A pregnancy and new baby are joyous times and I am so happy for all of my friends. I hope that none have to go through the experiences that we have!

At the same time I will go ahead and admit, I am jealous as all get out. This month marks 3 years since we started "trying." Granted if we had gotten pregnant that first month I would have possibly had a baby in my arms crossing the stage to get my doctorate and only would have been working for less than a year. So not optimal financially, but then again 3 IVFs and adoption are optimal finacially. That means we could have possibly had a 27 month old right now! That is so hard to wrap my head around.

My appreciation for children, parenthood, and life in general has vastly grown. I can promise this, I will never complain about a fussy baby, changing diapers, lack of sleep, laundry, or any of those precious things. Because to me they are all wonderful, cherished experiences. I cannot wait to have those experiences!!!

On the adoption front we are trying to be a little more proactive in finding potential birth families. We shall see how that pans out. Next week will be our 5 month mark of being on the books with our agency.

Personally we are winding down our travels of summer thankfully, and I am itching to get some things done around the house! I started working with a personal trainer again, and love that feeling of being forced to really push myself. David is starting P90X on Sunday, and he is very excited about that. We are going to do a triathlon for our 5 year anniversary in October.

Alright time to get on the road to see one of those babies that has been stalking me!

Literally one step closer to being a mom!

This past Saturday I completed my first sprint triathlon (250m swim, 20k bike, 5k run). People have been asking me, "Why did you decide to do this?" The answer is the training for it was/is a great distracter while waiting to adopt. Each run I did I would tell myself I was "one step closer to meeting my baby." What a great motivator!

At the race there were lots of moms that competed, and one literally had her 6week old there to support her! Could it be that the next one I complete, my little one might be there supporting me? Or next year when I go back to this one, will I be a mommy? Also I think it is a pretty cool accomplishment to complete a triathlon, and I am always thinking of ways to be a good role model for our future children!

It is funny to think, but a triathlon is sort of like labor. You prepare for it, think about it, but it still sneaks up on you. You can imagine what it might be like, but the day of you are terrified. At the beginning of the race I wanted to quit (ugh the swim was chaos), but when it was over I was ready to sign up for the next one.

David was such a great supporter, and I know I couldn't have done it without him by my side. And I am excited he is going to do the next one with me!

Dreams

i had a dream that died last year.
a dream of little babies that looked like dave and me.
a dream of being a co-creator of life.
a dream of feeling life grow within me.
a dream of surprising our family and friends with the blessed news.
a dream of getting flowers in the hospital.
a dream of hearing the heartbeat.
a dream of dave and i alone in the hospital room with an hours old baby in our arms.
a dream of the little ankle bracelet with my name and baby's name on it.
a dream of maternity clothes.
a dream of taking pictures each month to show how much bigger the baby had gotten in my tummy.
a dream of counting down the days.
a dream of having a baby when i wanted to have one.
but...
there is no biological possibility of that happening.
our house is infertile
that news is really a gift.
there is no wondering if this month is the month. there is no lingering or wilting hope. there are no questions or unexplained infertility. there isn't a fraction of a percentage of a chance that it could happen. i realize that i am blessed in that area and there are many who still hang onto that.

for us, it was easy to grieve, deal with it, close up that chapter an move on. don't get me wrong. there are still some days where i am reminded, the occasional dagger and then i realize,

"oh yes. there is my old friend infertility back again. i know you."
those days after the "bad" news were hard.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
we prayed and we poured out our hearts.

i cried and cried and cried ...because the dream had died.
those prayers were answered.
and we were blessed with a miracle.
the miracle of understanding and accepting.
the miracle of the hope that is adoption.
the miracle of feeling the power of the sealing power seared into my soul.
the miracle of peace.
and i was blessed with a new dream.
a new dream that i daydream about in the car everyday ...still.
the dream of hearing the words, "i chose you to be his/her family."
the new dream of babies, my babies.
new dreams that are as dear to me now as the old ones were. new dreams that make tears streak my cheeks. good dreams.

I adapted this from an amazining person, mrs. r and her amazing blog.

This is so true and really spoke to me today!

Thanks mrs. r!