Dreams

i had a dream that died last year.
a dream of little babies that looked like dave and me.
a dream of being a co-creator of life.
a dream of feeling life grow within me.
a dream of surprising our family and friends with the blessed news.
a dream of getting flowers in the hospital.
a dream of hearing the heartbeat.
a dream of dave and i alone in the hospital room with an hours old baby in our arms.
a dream of the little ankle bracelet with my name and baby's name on it.
a dream of maternity clothes.
a dream of taking pictures each month to show how much bigger the baby had gotten in my tummy.
a dream of counting down the days.
a dream of having a baby when i wanted to have one.
but...
there is no biological possibility of that happening.
our house is infertile
that news is really a gift.
there is no wondering if this month is the month. there is no lingering or wilting hope. there are no questions or unexplained infertility. there isn't a fraction of a percentage of a chance that it could happen. i realize that i am blessed in that area and there are many who still hang onto that.

for us, it was easy to grieve, deal with it, close up that chapter an move on. don't get me wrong. there are still some days where i am reminded, the occasional dagger and then i realize,

"oh yes. there is my old friend infertility back again. i know you."
those days after the "bad" news were hard.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
we prayed and we poured out our hearts.

i cried and cried and cried ...because the dream had died.
those prayers were answered.
and we were blessed with a miracle.
the miracle of understanding and accepting.
the miracle of the hope that is adoption.
the miracle of feeling the power of the sealing power seared into my soul.
the miracle of peace.
and i was blessed with a new dream.
a new dream that i daydream about in the car everyday ...still.
the dream of hearing the words, "i chose you to be his/her family."
the new dream of babies, my babies.
new dreams that are as dear to me now as the old ones were. new dreams that make tears streak my cheeks. good dreams.

I adapted this from an amazining person, mrs. r and her amazing blog.

This is so true and really spoke to me today!

Thanks mrs. r!

"If you build it they will come"

Funny how a line from a movie can spur things along.

We bought our crib and a dresser/hutch combo as a present after we completed our home study. It sat in boxes in the nursery for months (well 3 to be precise) with the door shut. Before that I had purchased the most gorgeous bedding that will work for boy or girl. It is apple green, black and white and is the most luxurious baby bedding I have ever seen (I really love it can you tell?). Again locked away in the room we don't mention.

Yesterday I decided enough was enough, and I wanted to put it all together. So my hubby and I did. Taking pictures of the proud dad to be putting the crib together was great and he was so excited. It looks really wonderful and I can't wait to accessorize, but that will have to wait until we know if we will be the proud parents of a little boy or girl.

Just wanted to share. It feels really good to have that room started. I was getting kind of depressed and I guess that helped me feel productive! Just need to get matched and put a baby in there!

So here's to hoping, if you build it they will come!

Happy 4th of July!

It is hard to believe that it is already the 4th of July (well technically the 2nd). This year has flown by faster than any before. We are having some friends over for a cookout and then walking to a huge fireworks display just about .2mi from our house. We could see them outside on our patio except for all of the trees! Then I plan on just sitting by the pool and getting a few workouts in!

Dave and I both are doing our first triathlon in August. My sister and good friend Dawn are doing it with us. So my life consists of going to the gym, out for a run, swimming, and biking! I really love it!

With it being Independence Day I just want to thank all of our service men and women for all of their work! Without them who knows where this country would be!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th!